Friday, July 16, 2010

Loneliness, Married Moho Style

I'd venture a guess that every Moho has felt an almost unbearable loneliness. I'm talking depths-of-despair loneliness. It seems to be a common theme. It involves fear, self-isolation, reliance on impossible promises and well-built facades. For me, it keeps coming back, despite the fact that I have some really amazing and supportive people in my life who I appreciate and love and who I know appreciate and love me too.
Even though I've made huge strides in dealing with my feelings of loneliness and in reaching out to others with openness and honesty, I still feel dreadfully alone. I still use my facade, which only adds to the loneliness because the people around me are led to believe everything is fine. I still fall into patterns of withholding information. I still fear being rejected. I still fear being treated as a sub-human freak for being gay. Although it took me years to escape all the denial and finally come to terms with all the aspects of who I am, to this day I beat myself up about what a selfish jerk I am for putting my wife through the emotional trauma that comes along with being married to a gay man and for the anguish she and my kids would go through if we ever separated.
This will sound really stupid, but it's the best description I can come up with at the moment: Remember near the end of the movie "The Little Mermaid" when Ursula becomes a giant, stirs up a whirlpool and traps Ariel at the sea floor at the bottom of the whirlpool? Ursula starts shooting lightning bolts at Ariel. Too often, I feel like Ariel dodging lightning bolts. I'm alone at the bottom of the sea and, though surrounded by water, can't even swim to safety. I can breathe and see some of what's going on around me, but I'm confined and scared.
But hey, it's my pity party, and I can cry if I want to, right? I know I'll feel better and more optimistic soon, but the seemingly never ending back-and-forth really sucks. I'm glad it's Friday.

8 comments:

  1. Hey Pablo! Sorry you are feeling alone. Call us up sometime, we'd love to talk, and we won't reject you.

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  2. Pablo, I know how you feel. I still get that way often. You're not alone when it comes to feeling alone. Even when surrounded by people.

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  3. I completely understand. Shout out whenever you need to.

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  4. Thanks everyone. Truly, thank you. Today is better. I had fun at a Moho gathering last night at Jon's place. (Thanks again Jon!) And I was able to talk to a couple of friends before that who helped me chin up.

    Mister Curie & Madame Curie: I'll be taking you up on your offer. Knowing you and many others won't reject or judge helps me get through the rough times that come every so often.

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  5. No problem, I'm glad you were able to come. It wouldn't have been the same without you adding your fantastic British accent. :)

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  6. ((Hugs)) We're hear if you need to talk, chat, or text.

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  7. Always here. Don't hesitate to call, text, email or whatever.

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  8. Thanks! Another Triumvirate of love and support, and hugs. This is why good friends matter so much. I can only hope to be of support to all of you.

    @Jon: The party was splendid. Cheers. :)

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